(EDDIE and AL are standing on the beach, dressed as typical twenty-something (human) males.)

EDDIE

Al. Check this one out.

AL

Where?

EDDIE

Two o'clock.

AL

Oh my goodness.

EDDIE

You think she's...

AL

Experienced?

EDDIE

Yeah.

AL

You think?

EDDIE

What do you think?

AL

Written all over her.

EDDIE

Yeah.

AL

She knows the moves.

EDDIE

The motion.

AL

She probably invented the motion.

EDDIE

Sixteen hundred?

AL

No way.

EDDIE

No.

AL

Eighteen hundred if she's an ounce.

EDDIE

Baby got back.

AL

She does. Course, I'm more of a flipper man, myself.

(MORTIMER saunters by.)

MORTIMER

Hey. What are you punks doing?

AL

It's a free country.

MORTIMER

Not around here it ain't. Get the fuck off my sand. Go back to one of the loser beaches where you belong.

EDDIE

If this is your beach, it must be a loser beach. Loser.

MORTIMER

Listen to the punk. You call yourself an elephant seal? What a laugh. I've got wives bigger than you. Hell, I've stomped weaners bigger than you.

EDDIE

I'll rip your throat open.

AL

Cool down, Eddie. Let's take a walk.

(MORTIMER follows EDDIE and AL offstage. MORTIMER patrols the beach for a while and exits. EDDIE and AL return.)

AL (cont.)

Bastard.

EDDIE

He's got it made, though, doesn't he? The girls.

AL

The pool.

EDDIE

The private beach.

AL

The whole nine yards. The life of an alpha male.

EDDIE

I hate this beta shit.

AL

Beta. Gamma. Delta. We're low on the totem pole.

EDDIE

Did you see the size of his...thing?

AL

Proboscis.

EDDIE

Must have been two feet long.

AL

Schnoz.

EDDIE

Look at me.

AL

Schozzle. Schnozzola.

EDDIE

Well?

AL

Fourteen inches, at the very least. Fifteen maybe.

EDDIE

Fourteen?

AL

Fifteen. For sure.

EDDIE

Is that all?

AL

Gotta be patient.

EDDIE

Patient? I'm dying, Al. Every morning for the last two years I've woken up so horny I just want to scream. I'll screw anything. Anything.

(EDDIE drops to his knees and lunges at AL's leg and wraps his arms around it.)

AL

Easy, Eddie.

EDDIE

Sorry.

AL

Pity about the flippers.

EDDIE

What?

AL

If we had hands, at least we could masturbate.

EDDIE

So it gets to you, too?

AL

The urge to merge.

EDDIE

The need for the deed.

AL

Yeah.

EDDIE

What do you do about it?

AL

Eat.

EDDIE

Eat?

AL

Eat.

EDDIE

You mean sublimate.

AL

No, Eddie. We're talking bulk.

EDDIE

Bulk.

AL

Body weight. Mortimer?

EDDIE

Yeah?

AL

Six thousand pounds.

EDDIE

No way.

AL

Your teeth may be sharp, but we're like matchsticks to him. Gotta bulk up.

EDDIE

But what...about...the girls?

AL

Give it a rest, Eddie.  At six years old, odds are you won't get to mate for at least four more years.

EDDIE

Four years? I'll die, Al. From pure frustration. I'm not gonna make it.

AL

Ever play chess?

EDDIE

Me?

AL

Checkers then.

EDDIE

Sure.

AL

Somebody wins, somebody loses, right?

EDDIE

Right.

AL

Same with sex. One female. Who gets her?

EDDIE

The biggest...

AL

baddest...

EDDIE

meanest...

AL

motherfucker out there.

EDDIE

Four years.

AL

Unless. You change the rules.

EDDIE

What?

AL

Three card monte. One winner. One loser. Just like checkers. Except.

EDDIE

Except.

AL

You run a con.

EDDIE

A scam.

AL

A strategy. If you're gonna evolve, you gotta have a strategy.

EDDIE

I thought we were intelligently designed.

AL

Eddie. We're built like three-thousand-pound slugs. We've got noses two feet long. Our mothers abandon us when we're barely a month old. Our fathers try to trample us to death. We have to learn how to swim all by ourselves, in an ocean that's crawling with great white sharks.

EDDIE

All that, and we got no hands. So what's the con?

AL

What did he say?

EDDIE

Mortimer?

AL

I've got wives bigger than you.

EDDIE

So?

AL

I say we go with it.

EDDIE

It.

 (AL runs off stage and returns with two bras or bikini tops. He hands one to EDDIE and puts the other on.)

EDDIE (cont.)

What's this?

AL

We're fake like we're girls. You go flirt with Mortimer. Keep him occupied. I'll slip into the harem like I'm one of the wives and have myself a good time. Then we swap.

EDDIE

I don't know, Al.

AL

You wanna get laid? Put it on.

(EDDIE puts on the top.)

EDDIE

How do I look?

AL

Perfect. Just like Tony Curtis. There's only one problem.

EDDIE

Uh oh.

AL

The old proboscis.

EDDIE

The schnoz.

AL

At four hundred yards you'd be safe, but up close those fourteen inches are going to stand out.

EDDIE

Fifteen.

AL

Here, use this.

(AL pulls a hand fan from his back pocket and hands it to EDDIE.)

EDDIE

I can't do it, Al. I wouldn't know what to say.

AL

Four years, Eddie. I'll tell you what. I'll take Mortimer and give you first crack at the harem.

EDDIE

Really? You'd do that for me?

AL

Sure thing, kid. What are friends for?

(EDDIE passes the fan to AL. They exit. MORTIMER saunters on stage and looks around. A little later, AL enters, fluttering "her" eyes behind the fan to attract MORTIMER's attention, but evading him later when he gets too interested.)

MORTIMER

Hey, sister. Do I know you?

AL

I'm new here. You know where a girl can get some decent calamari?

MORTIMER

You don't want calamari.

AL

I don't?

MORTIMER

You want six thousand pounds of bull elephant. Let's do it in the sand, baby.

AL

What, no foreplay?

MORTIMER

You're good sized, too. I like a girl with some meat on her bones.

AL

It's probably just water retention. I'm a little bloated this time of month.

MORTIMER

You women. Always playing hard to get.

AL

Well, maybe if you did something to impress me.

MORTIMER

Ain't I impressive enough just to look at?

AL

I mean, how do I know you could defend me?

MORTIMER

What are you talking about? Nobody touches Mortimer's dames.

AL

Well, either there's some hot girl-on-girl action going down in the harem or you've got an uninvited guest.

MORTIMER

What the fuck? It's that little beta puke. He's going to pay for this.

(MORTIMER runs off. AL watches the spectacle unfold, wincing in sympathy from time to time.)

AL

Oof...Oh...Oh, man...Oh, Eddie.

 (MORTIMER returns bleeding, disheveled and panting. He drags EDDIE's body in with him and drops it at AL's feet.)

MORTIMER

What do you think of that, babe? Can I defend my harem, or what?

AL

You were magnificent. That was so...so...alpha of you.

MORTIMER

That runt's not going to bother me again. Man, those little punks wear me out. I thought he'd run, but he went for my throat.

AL

He bit you! Your neck, it's bleeding. Let me take care of it.

MORTIMER

Ow. Don’t touch me. I'll be OK. I just need to rest up.

AL

Maybe when you're feeling better you could wander down to the harem. You might even find me there.

MORTIMER

You go find a primo spot.  I'll bone you when my neck heals up.

AL

I'll be waiting, big guy.

(MORTIMER staggers off.)

AL

It was nothing personal, Eddie.

(Administers a coup de grâce to Eddie’s body.)

You just have to pick the right strategy for the game.

(AL tosses the fan away, slicks back his hair and struts down to the harem.)

END OF PLAY