Alerts from the Haggis Early Warning Network
In a moment of extra-ordinary detente, this site has declared a truce with the haggis exporting community.
HEWN has been singled out for notice by William Wallace, himself a maker of haggis. While we will stand guard vigilantly at our national borders, those already in haggis territory may wish to visit him at http://www.scottishhaggis.co.uk/.
HEWN has engaged a special reporter who is planning a haggis dinner in honor of Robbert Burns' birthday. She has promised to report on the event including the (re)actions of the guests. Stay tuned.
We are saddened to report than our special correspondant was never heard from again. Whether this was a result of attending the Robert Burn dinner or not, it is impossible to say.
HEWN has been informed or rumors that Bobbie Burns' birthday was a sad occasion in much of Europe this year. The traditional haggis is made with beef suet, and the European ban on British beef due to Bovine Spongiform Encepalitis (BSE) also known as "mad cow disease" has made it impossible for haggis exporters to get their wares to Scottish ex-pats in Europe.
The Haggis Early Warning Network reacted quickly today, issuing a new alert on the heels of the recent Scottish sheep cloning research news. Scientists in Scotland are curently raising Megan and Morag, the surviving lambs from a set of five identical sheep created with a new cloning technique.
Brigadier General Jack Mouflon, chief of the Air Force Tactical Foods Division, warned of a possible "ovine technology gap" and spoke on the potential for misuse of the cloning science. "After all," he concluded, "when you get right down to it, what is a sheep but a kinetic haggis."
The birthday of Scottish poet Robert Burns will be celebrated on January 27, 1996 by the reading of his poem "Address to a Haggis" and by the consuming of the same. The host for this unique event is Torino's Restaurant, 5080 N Blackstone, Fresno. 206-226-8549. Anyone attending (and surviving) the event is requested to notify the HEWN archivist, Ross Nelson.
The following cryptic quote, in a message from Marc Abrahams of MIT, implies that a new assault on the US may be pending. "Thanks to the biophysicists in Scotland who sent us the tinned haggis. It was as delicious as could be expected."
Clearly, the tins are the first pass a creating a launch container with which haggis can be directed toward the US. In fact, as the quote indicates, some has already reached the US. In its natural state (if haggis can be said to have a natural state), haggis is rather directionally impaired, and attempts to launch it have failed miserably. With the use tins to solve the directionality problem, can haggis launching be far behind? HEWN urges anyone discovering a tin of haggis to leave it unopened and inform the proper authoriites..