HEWN

Haggis Early Warning Network

Deep inside a fortress-like facility in the Wyoming rockies, there is a top secret government center, which has been constructed by boring tunning deep into the side of a montain. Like its sister facility, the NORAD base at Cheyenne, the base in continually monitoring the borders of the continent, on the lookout for dangerous incoming food. This facility, the Haggis Early Warning Network, is constantly monitoring the location of all known supplies of haggis and lutefisk.

These items, two of the most gastronomically threatening ethnic foods known to man are known to be subjects of the HEWN tracking system. Other items may also be under watch, but since HEWN is a secret organization, we here at the HEWN archives can only pass along any data that has been leaked or acquired by our sources in other ways.

Haggis

Haggis comes to us from Scotland, where it is consumed (by those who will do so) once a year, typically on Robert Burns's birthday. The consumption of haggis is accompanied by the drinking of a great deal of whiskey.

Haggis is made from oatmeal and sheep entrails.

Lutefisk

Lutefisk is a Norwegian "delicacy," consumed typically once a year, and accompanied by large amounts of aquavit. (Do you sense a trend?) It has been spotted in America primarily in the basements of Lutheran churches in Minnesota and North Dakota. This has led to speculation that the Lutheran church is re-introducing pennance.

Lutefisk is made from codfish that has been dried and soaked in lye (yes, the same stuff they make Drano out of.) To my knowledge, I have not tasted the stuff, though I've heard tales by those who have. In addition, my mother has confessed to eating while pregnant with me, giving rise to theories that my behavior can be explained by Fetal Lutefisk Syndrome.

HEWN Alerts

From time to time, special alerts are issued by the Haggis Early Warning Network. When we become aware of them, we pass them on to interested parties. The list of recent alerts can be accessed as well.

Additional information

We have been able to extract the following HEWN documents via the Freedom of Information Act.

 

What about SPAM?

One of the most frequent questions we recieve here at the archives is, "What about SPAM?" Indeed, when identifying gastronomical dangers, surely SPAM ranks high on the list of items to avoid, however, SPAM has never appear on a single HEWN alert. We can only speculate why this is, but information leaked by retired Brigadier General Semper Fidelius (USMC, ret.) indicates that SPAM had been developed by the Armed Forces Retaliatory Cooking Force, and that samples had inadvertantly been dispersed amidst the public.

SPAM rapidly took hold in Korea and the Hawaiian islands of the US, and all attempts to eradicate it have failed miserably. Authorities had, however, believed they had stopped further spread until the recent popularity of the Internet proved them wrong. Indeed, there are those who believe that the entire Internet is composed of nothing but SPAM.