Haggis Early Warning Network
Deep inside a fortress-like facility in the Wyoming rockies, there
is a top secret government center, which has been constructed by boring
tunning deep into the side of a montain. Like its sister facility, the NORAD
base at Cheyenne, the base in continually monitoring the borders of the
continent, on the lookout for dangerous incoming food. This facility, the
Haggis Early Warning Network, is constantly monitoring the location of all
known supplies of haggis and lutefisk.
These items, two of the most gastronomically threatening ethnic foods known to man are known to be subjects of the HEWN tracking system. Other items may also be under watch, but since HEWN is a secret organization, we here at the HEWN archives can only pass along any data that has been leaked or acquired by our sources in other ways.
Haggis comes to us from Scotland, where it is consumed (by those who
will do so) once a year, typically on Robert Burns's birthday. The consumption
of haggis is accompanied by the drinking of a great deal of whiskey.
Haggis is made from oatmeal and sheep entrails.
Lutefisk is a Norwegian "delicacy," consumed typically once
a year, and accompanied by large amounts of aquavit. (Do you sense a trend?)
It has been spotted in America primarily in the basements of Lutheran churches
in Minnesota and North Dakota. This has led to speculation that the Lutheran
church is re-introducing pennance.
Lutefisk is made from codfish that has been dried and soaked in lye (yes, the same stuff they make Drano out of.) To my knowledge, I have not tasted the stuff, though I've heard tales by those who have. In addition, my mother has confessed to eating while pregnant with me, giving rise to theories that my behavior can be explained by Fetal Lutefisk Syndrome.
From time to time, special alerts are issued
by the Haggis Early Warning Network. When we become aware of them, we pass
them on to interested parties. The list of recent alerts can be accessed as well.
We have been able to extract the following HEWN documents via the Freedom of Information Act.
- Haggis: The Recipe
SPAM rapidly took hold in Korea and the Hawaiian islands of the US, and all attempts to eradicate it have failed miserably. Authorities had, however, believed they had stopped further spread until the recent popularity of the Internet proved them wrong. Indeed, there are those who believe that the entire Internet is composed of nothing but SPAM.